Now it is suggested that we share in a general way, and we share what it was like what happened and what it’s like now. There are a few reasons that we share in a general way, firstly a meeting is not the proper venue for doing a fifth step. Secondly it is for your own protection, yes it is said “what is said here let it stay here” and for most this is the practice, however let’s be honest, meetings are full of “sick people” and more so human beings. Some human beings and “sick individuals” have been known to gossip and/or share things they have heard. So to get specific and detailed about certain issues you would rather not have public knowledge do not share it in a somewhat public venue, that is what sponsors, your support system, recovery coaches and counsellors are for. Unless you have dealt with it and do not care if it comes back to you and would not cause you or OTHERS pain and/or harm. Thirdly some issues and topics can be offensive and/or uncomfortable for others and bring up issues they are not prepared to deal with along with this is some issues and/or topics from our lives are not appropriate to be shared in a meeting.
I guess in all reality, these are a couple of my pet peeves at meetings. Are two particular kinds of sharing that I have run into at meetings. These are drunkalogues and/or drugalogues and the whiners. And yes I suppose I am judging however I refer you to my post of judging. I have never understood the ones who share their complete drinking and/or drugging careers and then end with then I find the fellowship and everything is great now. I have asked a couple and they have told me that they were “qualifying themselves,” I guess I was mistaken, I was sure the literature said” I was a member when I said I was a member”, I knew nothing about qualifiers for the fellowship, I thought they for competitions. Geez maybe I’m not a member because I never went to any qualifiers. Ah but I digress, I was taught we vaguely talk about our using history add maybe an example or two of my using, move on to finding recovery and part of the processes again with possible examples and finish with the changes that recovery has created in my life. I mean I understand we share about some of our drinking/drugging career that the newcomer can relate and feel they are ion the right place. However sharing mostly on my drinking and/or drugging can possibly trigger the newcomer. I also don’t see the change and/or recovery allure. If anything I don’t think the newcomer, I know I didn’t need to learn how to drink and/or use, we already know that. What they and I needed to learn was how not to. And then there are the constant whiners or as I like to call them; the drama Queens and Kings. You know the type I’m sure you’ve run into them as well. The ones that always seem to have a problem, and/or issue, with people places and things, always something. They are always sharing on one problem or another and never anything about the solution or even what they are doing to deal with it, just the issue. It not that I don’t understand we all encounter life problems, and issues that affect our sobriety, sanity and/or quality of life. Yet from those who work a program of recovery. I hear the issue/difficulty and the principles, step and/or processes they are using to deal with the issue, and possibly the difficulties they are having applying these to the issue or the difficulty in finding a resolution.
Remember God does not create garbage
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Meeting Etiquette
Yesterday I was reading Pammie’s blog; Sobriety is Exhausting, She was writing on a newcomers meeting that she has been attending regularly for almost 20 years. A meeting that is filled with a large number of in patients. Now I gathered from her writing, her annoyance of the general disrespect some of these “in Patients” had for the meeting or the premise, purpose and decorum of the meeting. Yet in all this I must in the writing of this profess my admiration and respect for the dedication and level of service she has for nearly 20 years to continually, week in and week out attend this meeting, to carry the message to those in desperate need. Too many forget their routes as they get healthier and go to more shall we say upscale meetings. So hats off to you Pammie.
Now back to my point, it was the thinking that her post brought out in me. It started me thinking of “meeting etiquette”; after all we have all been at meetings where, there are a large number of newcomers and/or a large amount of disarray going on during the meeting. Or meetings that just seem disorganized and or chaotic atmosphere. With those such as Pammie discussed in her post, person’s with their feet on tables and/or chairs, people reading, writing, drawing, having whispered conversations, getting up and down and those getting coffee and clanging the spoon while stirring their coffee, all while the meeting is going on. This is one of the main reasons that only a few with considerable quality clean and sober time attend these meetings. And usually end up with the majority of those attending having little or no real time of being clean and sober. As well as being led by the same, this is not the case in all newcomers meetings however in all too many this becomes the norm.
Yet if I take the time to remember my early days, and get off my high horse on how I think a person ought to behave at a meeting, or rather how I was taught to respect the meeting and those sharing, for the great lessons I have learned from those who shared and the meeting that provided this great avenue of learning. In those early days I had no real concept of respect for others or what wonders were happening in this venue. In those early days I was still consumed with self, it was still all about me. Those early days when the drugs and/or alcohol had just left my system or were still actually detoxing, when my brains for the first time in years, some us decades were not full drugs and/or alcohol. As such my mind was whirling, unable to be still for any length of time, unable to concentrate or focus on a single concept for any period of time. With the same going for my body, being still was nearly impossible for any period of time. To be still and quiet was still quite a foreign concept, never mind that it was near impossible in all actuality. They as time allows be taught about respect, learn to have a semblance of reverence for the miracles that happen in our meetings.
It is those that have been around for a few days, which truly disturb me. Moreover it is their sponsors that I take umberance with, as sponsors is it not our responsibility to teach our sponsee’s about the steps, the traditions and mostly how a person with sobriety behaves, and is most of this teaching not done through example? What examples and teaching are we giving newcomers, for they only do what they have been taught and guided to do, for the most part. I know that my sponsor sat me down and not only told me that meetings were not dating and social clubs. He also spent time on the history of the fellowships and the miracles that happen, as well as how important the sharing is, and to respect each and every one who shares always remembering principles before personalities, it did not matter what I thought of the person who was sharing. My sponsor not only took the time to sit down and talk about these things on many occasions, he showed me with his behaviour at meetings. As such with treatment centres and recovery houses doing so much with newcomers these days and demanding that their charges attend 12 step meetings perhaps they might include this aspect in their curriculums.
Remember God does not create garbage
Now back to my point, it was the thinking that her post brought out in me. It started me thinking of “meeting etiquette”; after all we have all been at meetings where, there are a large number of newcomers and/or a large amount of disarray going on during the meeting. Or meetings that just seem disorganized and or chaotic atmosphere. With those such as Pammie discussed in her post, person’s with their feet on tables and/or chairs, people reading, writing, drawing, having whispered conversations, getting up and down and those getting coffee and clanging the spoon while stirring their coffee, all while the meeting is going on. This is one of the main reasons that only a few with considerable quality clean and sober time attend these meetings. And usually end up with the majority of those attending having little or no real time of being clean and sober. As well as being led by the same, this is not the case in all newcomers meetings however in all too many this becomes the norm.
Yet if I take the time to remember my early days, and get off my high horse on how I think a person ought to behave at a meeting, or rather how I was taught to respect the meeting and those sharing, for the great lessons I have learned from those who shared and the meeting that provided this great avenue of learning. In those early days I had no real concept of respect for others or what wonders were happening in this venue. In those early days I was still consumed with self, it was still all about me. Those early days when the drugs and/or alcohol had just left my system or were still actually detoxing, when my brains for the first time in years, some us decades were not full drugs and/or alcohol. As such my mind was whirling, unable to be still for any length of time, unable to concentrate or focus on a single concept for any period of time. With the same going for my body, being still was nearly impossible for any period of time. To be still and quiet was still quite a foreign concept, never mind that it was near impossible in all actuality. They as time allows be taught about respect, learn to have a semblance of reverence for the miracles that happen in our meetings.
It is those that have been around for a few days, which truly disturb me. Moreover it is their sponsors that I take umberance with, as sponsors is it not our responsibility to teach our sponsee’s about the steps, the traditions and mostly how a person with sobriety behaves, and is most of this teaching not done through example? What examples and teaching are we giving newcomers, for they only do what they have been taught and guided to do, for the most part. I know that my sponsor sat me down and not only told me that meetings were not dating and social clubs. He also spent time on the history of the fellowships and the miracles that happen, as well as how important the sharing is, and to respect each and every one who shares always remembering principles before personalities, it did not matter what I thought of the person who was sharing. My sponsor not only took the time to sit down and talk about these things on many occasions, he showed me with his behaviour at meetings. As such with treatment centres and recovery houses doing so much with newcomers these days and demanding that their charges attend 12 step meetings perhaps they might include this aspect in their curriculums.
Remember God does not create garbage
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Boundaries
Recovery teaches us to take down the unhealthy walls and the separation we have created in an unhealthy attempt to protect ourselves from pain. We learn to be honest and open with others; we become vulnerable in order to have a real human connection and healthy relationships. And instead of walls that imprison us and emotional separation we learn to set boundaries to protect our well-being. By learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them. We first have to learn what our truths are so that we can follow the saying “To Thine Own Self Be True”. In doing so we are become capable of being discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and loving in meeting our own needs.
The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We have to be able to tell other’s when they are behaving in ways that are not acceptable to us. Firstly we acknowledge that we have an obligation to protect and defend ourselves. We have not only an obligation but a duty, to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. Boundaries also allow us to be interdependent rather than co-dependent.
We need to be aware of what healthy behaviours and acceptable interaction truly are before we can start practicing them in our own lives, demanding the proper treatment from others. Recovery has taught us to be emotionally honest with ourselves, and to owning our own feelings, and to communicate in a direct and honest manner. Setting boundaries is essential in having healthy relationships. Setting boundaries also enforces our own self-respect and self-love. If we do not love and respect ourselves, how can we expect others to?
Most of us grew up believing that we had the power to make my parents angry or to break my mother's heart. This created the thinking thought that we had to be perfect, and when we weren’t, we were hurting the ones we loved. We grew up believing that something was wrong with us because we were human. Thusly we grew up believing that we have power over other people’s feelings, and they have power over mine. This ultimately created co-dependency in us.
In being co-dependent, we became enmeshed with other people. Basically we did not know where we ended and the other person began, there was no boundary. Having healthy boundaries tells us who "we" are, and that we are all separate individuals. We became hyper-vigilant through our childhoods. We learned to focus on interpreting what my parents and other authority figures were feeling in order to try to protect ourselves. As adults, we unconsciously tried to manipulate others, by attempting to be what they wanted us to be, if we wanted them to like us, or we became either intimidating or invisible. We had no idea that we were responsible for our own feelings because we had learned that other people were responsible for our feelings, and vice versa. We must learn to define ourselves emotionally as separate from others. In this way we can start learning who we are. We had always felt that we were separate only in unhealthy ways, shameful and unworthy.
Now in setting healthy boundaries, we first must learn how to communicate in a nonaggressive manner, we learn to assertive in a nonthreatening or aggressive manner. This means, we stop blaming others for our feelings. We cease saying things like: you make me so angry; you hurt me; you make me crazy; how could you do that to me after all I have done for you; and so on. Most of us grew up hearing these kinds of interactions. This has helped in created our inability to create healthy relationships. As well we must remember our whole purpose here is to create healthy loving relationships. When an individual comes at you aggressively, or in an attacking and/or condemning manner. The initial response in to become defensive, creating either a “fight or flight” mentality.
It is essential for us to learn to communicate on how another’s behaviour is affecting us, without the blaming "you”, we need to use statements starting in the following ways.
When you . . . . . Here we identify the behaviour, being very specific
I feel . . . . . Here we own our own feelings, describing what feelings the behaviour brings up in you
I want … Here we describe, what exactly you require from the other, in the relationship
Of course, we are powerless over others, whether they get it, or understand what we are doing. However in learning to communicate in a healthy way, without blame and shame, we are maximizing the possibility of healthy communication.
.
Some boundaries are rigid - and need to be. Boundaries such as: "It is not OK to hit me, ever.” "It is not acceptable to cheat on me."
Some boundaries our flexible, meaning they allow for mistakes without, immediate consequences, however it does need to be voiced and acknowledged. Such as leaving dirty laundry on the floor.
It is not enough to set boundaries, they must have consequences. If there are no consequences, others will not take you seriously. You absolutely need to follow through on consequences, if you fail to enforce your boundaries with consequences, they will not be adhered to. You must follow through on consequences, this takes courage and self-respect. No matter what this entails, whether this requires you to leave for a few hours or days. This sends a clear message of your seriousness.
Remember God does not create garbage
The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We have to be able to tell other’s when they are behaving in ways that are not acceptable to us. Firstly we acknowledge that we have an obligation to protect and defend ourselves. We have not only an obligation but a duty, to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. Boundaries also allow us to be interdependent rather than co-dependent.
We need to be aware of what healthy behaviours and acceptable interaction truly are before we can start practicing them in our own lives, demanding the proper treatment from others. Recovery has taught us to be emotionally honest with ourselves, and to owning our own feelings, and to communicate in a direct and honest manner. Setting boundaries is essential in having healthy relationships. Setting boundaries also enforces our own self-respect and self-love. If we do not love and respect ourselves, how can we expect others to?
Most of us grew up believing that we had the power to make my parents angry or to break my mother's heart. This created the thinking thought that we had to be perfect, and when we weren’t, we were hurting the ones we loved. We grew up believing that something was wrong with us because we were human. Thusly we grew up believing that we have power over other people’s feelings, and they have power over mine. This ultimately created co-dependency in us.
In being co-dependent, we became enmeshed with other people. Basically we did not know where we ended and the other person began, there was no boundary. Having healthy boundaries tells us who "we" are, and that we are all separate individuals. We became hyper-vigilant through our childhoods. We learned to focus on interpreting what my parents and other authority figures were feeling in order to try to protect ourselves. As adults, we unconsciously tried to manipulate others, by attempting to be what they wanted us to be, if we wanted them to like us, or we became either intimidating or invisible. We had no idea that we were responsible for our own feelings because we had learned that other people were responsible for our feelings, and vice versa. We must learn to define ourselves emotionally as separate from others. In this way we can start learning who we are. We had always felt that we were separate only in unhealthy ways, shameful and unworthy.
Now in setting healthy boundaries, we first must learn how to communicate in a nonaggressive manner, we learn to assertive in a nonthreatening or aggressive manner. This means, we stop blaming others for our feelings. We cease saying things like: you make me so angry; you hurt me; you make me crazy; how could you do that to me after all I have done for you; and so on. Most of us grew up hearing these kinds of interactions. This has helped in created our inability to create healthy relationships. As well we must remember our whole purpose here is to create healthy loving relationships. When an individual comes at you aggressively, or in an attacking and/or condemning manner. The initial response in to become defensive, creating either a “fight or flight” mentality.
It is essential for us to learn to communicate on how another’s behaviour is affecting us, without the blaming "you”, we need to use statements starting in the following ways.
When you . . . . . Here we identify the behaviour, being very specific
I feel . . . . . Here we own our own feelings, describing what feelings the behaviour brings up in you
I want … Here we describe, what exactly you require from the other, in the relationship
Of course, we are powerless over others, whether they get it, or understand what we are doing. However in learning to communicate in a healthy way, without blame and shame, we are maximizing the possibility of healthy communication.
.
Some boundaries are rigid - and need to be. Boundaries such as: "It is not OK to hit me, ever.” "It is not acceptable to cheat on me."
Some boundaries our flexible, meaning they allow for mistakes without, immediate consequences, however it does need to be voiced and acknowledged. Such as leaving dirty laundry on the floor.
It is not enough to set boundaries, they must have consequences. If there are no consequences, others will not take you seriously. You absolutely need to follow through on consequences, if you fail to enforce your boundaries with consequences, they will not be adhered to. You must follow through on consequences, this takes courage and self-respect. No matter what this entails, whether this requires you to leave for a few hours or days. This sends a clear message of your seriousness.
Remember God does not create garbage
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Voicing Your Truth
Some might say that this post is really not part of the 12 steps or recovery. However I disagree and my disagreement is based upon earlier posts. Posts on being an authentic person, on to thine own self be true as well as following our moral code, and the fact that the premise of the 12 step program is to become a contributing, productive member of society. Even though the over 300, 12 step fellowships follow Tradition 10,” has no opinions about outside issues”. However as contributing and productive members of society, who live by principles, ethics and integrity, this new lifestyle compels us to voice our opinions, whether in a vote or to speak out.
The world is a wonderful paradox, people are a great paradox, we are all different in unique, from our fingerprints to hair colour, from our ideologies to our religions, from our culture to our skin colour, and many others. Yet despite these differences we are all the very same, we all breathe oxygen, we all bleed when cut, we all hurt when insulted and degraded, we all produce children in the same way, we all desire to be loved and to feel wanted and the want to belong. Most of all we all want to feel safe and secure, and we all want our loved ones to be safe and have the best life has to offer.
The lessons of the 12 steps have taught us to find our own truths and be true to them, as well as to do what is right and what is right in front of us. It would seem that for some, even though they are in recovery and examined and found the fallacy in our thinking in certain aspects of our lives, we have failed to examine all of our belief systems. Recovery must be part of our whole life and thinking processes. It is this thinking that produces thoughts such as, I am only one vote, my vote won’t make a difference, and who am I, no one will care what I think. When you add up all those thinking in this manner the numbers really add up. It is this thinking that was the basis for many of the world’s atrocities. The world’s greatest accomplishments and/or humanistic endeavours, all started with one voice, which others related to and rallied behind, and in the reverse the world’s worst atrocities were the lack of the voice of dissent. Yet that voice finally was spoken and heard, which put an end to such, as the emancipation proclamation, the destruction of the berlin wall or the end the holocaust and aparthied. However they were allowed to initially happen because as Pastor Martin Niemoller was quoted “They first came for the socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist, they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out for I was not a Jew. Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak for me.” This was his quote on the rise of the Nazi Regime.
It has also been quoted, “if you don’t stand for anything, you stand for nothing.” Or “if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything.” If you fail to speak out against injustice, then you condone injustice.
However with this responsibility to speak our truth brings an even greater responsibility. We MUST educate ourselves in how we use our vote and/or voice. For to use your vote and/or voice without educating yourself on the issue, is as bad as not using your vote and/or voice. There are far too many people who vote for people just because of the party they belong to, with excuses like, well our family has always voted this way, so they vote without any real knowledge of who and what they are voting for. The same is true on the voice of some who speak against or for certain issues, without any real knowledge and/or facts. My must educate ourselves about the issues that we vote or speak for against. We must find out the facts for ourselves, find our own truths. Never accept another’s opinion or truths as your own. Always find your own truth. The fellowship basically calls this “contempt prior to investigation”.
We were given a new lease on life, to honour this we need to contribute to our society. To do this we need to have our educated voices heard, for our life is our choices, and to not speak out is to basically play the victim. If you do not vote or use your voice in an educated manner, then you have no say about how society works.
Remember God does not create garbage
The world is a wonderful paradox, people are a great paradox, we are all different in unique, from our fingerprints to hair colour, from our ideologies to our religions, from our culture to our skin colour, and many others. Yet despite these differences we are all the very same, we all breathe oxygen, we all bleed when cut, we all hurt when insulted and degraded, we all produce children in the same way, we all desire to be loved and to feel wanted and the want to belong. Most of all we all want to feel safe and secure, and we all want our loved ones to be safe and have the best life has to offer.
The lessons of the 12 steps have taught us to find our own truths and be true to them, as well as to do what is right and what is right in front of us. It would seem that for some, even though they are in recovery and examined and found the fallacy in our thinking in certain aspects of our lives, we have failed to examine all of our belief systems. Recovery must be part of our whole life and thinking processes. It is this thinking that produces thoughts such as, I am only one vote, my vote won’t make a difference, and who am I, no one will care what I think. When you add up all those thinking in this manner the numbers really add up. It is this thinking that was the basis for many of the world’s atrocities. The world’s greatest accomplishments and/or humanistic endeavours, all started with one voice, which others related to and rallied behind, and in the reverse the world’s worst atrocities were the lack of the voice of dissent. Yet that voice finally was spoken and heard, which put an end to such, as the emancipation proclamation, the destruction of the berlin wall or the end the holocaust and aparthied. However they were allowed to initially happen because as Pastor Martin Niemoller was quoted “They first came for the socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist, they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out for I was not a Jew. Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak for me.” This was his quote on the rise of the Nazi Regime.
It has also been quoted, “if you don’t stand for anything, you stand for nothing.” Or “if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything.” If you fail to speak out against injustice, then you condone injustice.
However with this responsibility to speak our truth brings an even greater responsibility. We MUST educate ourselves in how we use our vote and/or voice. For to use your vote and/or voice without educating yourself on the issue, is as bad as not using your vote and/or voice. There are far too many people who vote for people just because of the party they belong to, with excuses like, well our family has always voted this way, so they vote without any real knowledge of who and what they are voting for. The same is true on the voice of some who speak against or for certain issues, without any real knowledge and/or facts. My must educate ourselves about the issues that we vote or speak for against. We must find out the facts for ourselves, find our own truths. Never accept another’s opinion or truths as your own. Always find your own truth. The fellowship basically calls this “contempt prior to investigation”.
We were given a new lease on life, to honour this we need to contribute to our society. To do this we need to have our educated voices heard, for our life is our choices, and to not speak out is to basically play the victim. If you do not vote or use your voice in an educated manner, then you have no say about how society works.
Remember God does not create garbage
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Revisiting Step Nine
Step Nine: “Made Direct Amends To Such People Wherever Possible, Except When To Do So Would Injure Them Or Others.”
Here we are Ste nine, for those of you that are familiar with the Big Book of A.A. it is in discussing the ninth step that the 12 promises are mentioned. It is here and during this step that the promises truly manifest themselves.
Take note here that yet again we have a two part step, First part states, that we make direct amends wherever possible. Part Two and very important, except where it would cause harm.
However there are a few things yet to do before taking any action in step nine. First of all we need to review our lists, to ensure that we have not left anyone off do to resentment and/or fear. Remembering that our job in this process is to clean our own side of the sidewalk, or our own backyard. It is not for us to judge another’s behaviour and/or actions. Just our own, if our behaviour and/or actions were wrong that is all we concentrate on. We also check our list’s to ensure that we have included those that we have inadvertently harmed, including employers and/or financial institutions and the like. In Clarifying this, topic meetings can be very helpful, by suggesting the topic of “who do I include on my amends list”, as well your support system can be invaluable in this aspect especially your, sponsor, recovery coach and/or counsellor.
Now that we are sure that are list is complete, again now we with the help of our sponsor, or recovery coach or counsellor. We carefully examine each entry on our list as to whom we can make direct amends without any harm being done. Some of the harms to be considered, if to make amends to having an affair with a friend or neighbours spouse, is there a family involved, is the affair long dead, and many other questions in this angle to determine that if disclosing this might break up a family and potentially cause even greater harm. If you have had multiple affairs, do you need to disclose each individual affair to your spouse as individual slaps in the face, there needs to be a measure of making it right opposed to directly harming another in an attempt to clear your conscience. These are but a few examples of why the list needs to be gone over entry by entry. For the process of the ninth step, is too hopefully, to the best of our abilities and circumstances, achieve the three R’s>> Resolution, Restoration and Restitution. Other factors that need to be considered in this step is to disclose prior wrong doings that may result in criminal prosecution, loss of employment and the like again who is going to be harmed, and does this truly serve the intention of the step. Once again the aid of our sponsor and our support system as well as prayer to guide us, to do what is right.
There are now some that you can never make direct amends to, some our deceased, some are people whose names and where they are unknown to us, there are the nameless faceless ones we have directly and indirectly harmed, as well as those that we have concluded would cause more harm than good to disclose. What then do we do in these instances, here again our support system, and topic meetings are great resources. Some of us have written letters and read and then burnt them in a sort of ritual, or make donations in the names of these people, we volunteer, we give back that which has been given to us. To name only a couple of ways. There is also the aspect of some of our amends may be a continuous amend, we accomplish these by remaining clean and sober, by continuing to grow, by continually become better people, by giving of ourselves, by sharing and just by being in recovery.
Now that we are actually going out to make amends it is natural to feel excited and or happy in making some amends where we feel that the amends will heal perhaps family situations or the like. There are others where we feel trepidation and anxious over how certain amends will be received. It is during this step that we need to have close ties to meetings and our support system. As well as to not have any expectations, for some of the ones we expected to go okay and/or well will not be received the way we thought and some of the ones we feared might be difficult were received remarkably well. In either case it is important to remember two things here. One that we have quit the debating team, we do not argue or demand the acceptance or even expect the acceptance of our attempt at amends. We do to the best of our abilities and make the amend as such. Remembering that we our cleaning our own backyards here, It is up to the other party whether they choose to accept the amends or not. It is their choice; our only part was to offer an honest attempt at making amends. For us to do the right thing in cleaning our backyards.
How It Works
Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles which we find guiding. Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything.
-A.A. Big Book p.79
After we have made a list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all.
- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 83
Timing is an essential part of this step. We should make amends when the first opportunity presents itself, except when to do so will cause more harm. Sometimes we cannot actually make the amends; it is neither possible nor practical. In some cases, amends may be beyond our means. We have found that willingness can serve in the place of action where we are unable to contact the person we have harmed. However, we should never fail to contact anyone because of embarrassment, fear or procrastination.
...In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments. In many instances we can only go to the person and humbly ask for understanding of past wrongs. Sometimes this will be a joyous occasion when some old friend or relative proves very willing to let go of their bitterness. To go to someone who is hurting from the burn of our misdeeds can be dangerous. Indirect amends may be necessary where direct ones would be unsafe or endanger other people. We can only make our amends to the best of our ability. We try to remember that when we make amends, we are doing it for ourselves. Instead of feeling guilty and remorseful, we feel relieved about our past.
- Narcotics Anonymous Basic text Chapter 4 step nine
The making of amends needs to be approached cautiously by codependent people. There are three things amends are or can be. There is one thing they definitely should not be.
Amends can be these things:
1. Sincere efforts to offer apology for past harm.
2. Wonderful bridge-builders for more positive future relationships.
3. Effective agents for removing the tremendous weight of guilt, shame, and remorse.
The one thing amends should never be, though, are installment payments on false guilt or false shame...
There are five categories of persons to whom we may consider making amends. Notice how this contrasts with what we did in Step 8. There we included everyone to whom we were willing to make amends. In Step 9, however, as we prepare to execute this step, we use a high degree of discretion regarding to whom we will make amends and when this should happen...
- Serenity, A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery, p. 62, 63
Remember God does not create garbage
Here we are Ste nine, for those of you that are familiar with the Big Book of A.A. it is in discussing the ninth step that the 12 promises are mentioned. It is here and during this step that the promises truly manifest themselves.
Take note here that yet again we have a two part step, First part states, that we make direct amends wherever possible. Part Two and very important, except where it would cause harm.
However there are a few things yet to do before taking any action in step nine. First of all we need to review our lists, to ensure that we have not left anyone off do to resentment and/or fear. Remembering that our job in this process is to clean our own side of the sidewalk, or our own backyard. It is not for us to judge another’s behaviour and/or actions. Just our own, if our behaviour and/or actions were wrong that is all we concentrate on. We also check our list’s to ensure that we have included those that we have inadvertently harmed, including employers and/or financial institutions and the like. In Clarifying this, topic meetings can be very helpful, by suggesting the topic of “who do I include on my amends list”, as well your support system can be invaluable in this aspect especially your, sponsor, recovery coach and/or counsellor.
Now that we are sure that are list is complete, again now we with the help of our sponsor, or recovery coach or counsellor. We carefully examine each entry on our list as to whom we can make direct amends without any harm being done. Some of the harms to be considered, if to make amends to having an affair with a friend or neighbours spouse, is there a family involved, is the affair long dead, and many other questions in this angle to determine that if disclosing this might break up a family and potentially cause even greater harm. If you have had multiple affairs, do you need to disclose each individual affair to your spouse as individual slaps in the face, there needs to be a measure of making it right opposed to directly harming another in an attempt to clear your conscience. These are but a few examples of why the list needs to be gone over entry by entry. For the process of the ninth step, is too hopefully, to the best of our abilities and circumstances, achieve the three R’s>> Resolution, Restoration and Restitution. Other factors that need to be considered in this step is to disclose prior wrong doings that may result in criminal prosecution, loss of employment and the like again who is going to be harmed, and does this truly serve the intention of the step. Once again the aid of our sponsor and our support system as well as prayer to guide us, to do what is right.
There are now some that you can never make direct amends to, some our deceased, some are people whose names and where they are unknown to us, there are the nameless faceless ones we have directly and indirectly harmed, as well as those that we have concluded would cause more harm than good to disclose. What then do we do in these instances, here again our support system, and topic meetings are great resources. Some of us have written letters and read and then burnt them in a sort of ritual, or make donations in the names of these people, we volunteer, we give back that which has been given to us. To name only a couple of ways. There is also the aspect of some of our amends may be a continuous amend, we accomplish these by remaining clean and sober, by continuing to grow, by continually become better people, by giving of ourselves, by sharing and just by being in recovery.
Now that we are actually going out to make amends it is natural to feel excited and or happy in making some amends where we feel that the amends will heal perhaps family situations or the like. There are others where we feel trepidation and anxious over how certain amends will be received. It is during this step that we need to have close ties to meetings and our support system. As well as to not have any expectations, for some of the ones we expected to go okay and/or well will not be received the way we thought and some of the ones we feared might be difficult were received remarkably well. In either case it is important to remember two things here. One that we have quit the debating team, we do not argue or demand the acceptance or even expect the acceptance of our attempt at amends. We do to the best of our abilities and make the amend as such. Remembering that we our cleaning our own backyards here, It is up to the other party whether they choose to accept the amends or not. It is their choice; our only part was to offer an honest attempt at making amends. For us to do the right thing in cleaning our backyards.
How It Works
Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles which we find guiding. Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything.
-A.A. Big Book p.79
After we have made a list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all.
- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 83
Timing is an essential part of this step. We should make amends when the first opportunity presents itself, except when to do so will cause more harm. Sometimes we cannot actually make the amends; it is neither possible nor practical. In some cases, amends may be beyond our means. We have found that willingness can serve in the place of action where we are unable to contact the person we have harmed. However, we should never fail to contact anyone because of embarrassment, fear or procrastination.
...In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments. In many instances we can only go to the person and humbly ask for understanding of past wrongs. Sometimes this will be a joyous occasion when some old friend or relative proves very willing to let go of their bitterness. To go to someone who is hurting from the burn of our misdeeds can be dangerous. Indirect amends may be necessary where direct ones would be unsafe or endanger other people. We can only make our amends to the best of our ability. We try to remember that when we make amends, we are doing it for ourselves. Instead of feeling guilty and remorseful, we feel relieved about our past.
- Narcotics Anonymous Basic text Chapter 4 step nine
The making of amends needs to be approached cautiously by codependent people. There are three things amends are or can be. There is one thing they definitely should not be.
Amends can be these things:
1. Sincere efforts to offer apology for past harm.
2. Wonderful bridge-builders for more positive future relationships.
3. Effective agents for removing the tremendous weight of guilt, shame, and remorse.
The one thing amends should never be, though, are installment payments on false guilt or false shame...
There are five categories of persons to whom we may consider making amends. Notice how this contrasts with what we did in Step 8. There we included everyone to whom we were willing to make amends. In Step 9, however, as we prepare to execute this step, we use a high degree of discretion regarding to whom we will make amends and when this should happen...
- Serenity, A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery, p. 62, 63
Remember God does not create garbage
Monday, April 4, 2011
Living By A Code Of Honour
Hi All, Sorry I missed you this weekend. I was having issues with my internet connection and my modem; I was not able to get it fixed until late Sunday night. I was not able to attend to the needed work on it, as my step-daughter was competing in The Nationals cheerleading competition. Her team came second, (YAY) she was somewhat disappointed as they didn’t win being the reigning champions, and I’ve tried to explain that second was still quite a respectable feat. She is not thoroughly convinced though. Oh well on with today’s post.
Tonight I was watching the movie King Arthur, about of course King Arthur and his knights. I must admit I have penchant for fantasy novels, dragons and knights, that sort of stuff. I believe for me it is partially fuelled in the “knights, Code of Honour”, you know honesty, integrity, equality and doing the right thing, living the code. Quite the fanciful thinking in today’s age, some might say. I think it is something sorely lacking in today’s society, especially by some of our leaders in politics and industry.
That being said, I am inclined to see that “The 12 Step Program” teaches us our own “Code of Honour.” Through the process of doing the 12 steps, we learn how to make our yes mean yes and our no mean no. We learn to make our word our bond. We learn to see all persons as equals, we may admire and even revere those who model that too which we aspire, yet understand that they are but human and may falter and/or trip, yet basically our equals, with wisdom and/or lessons they may have to share with us. Also we learn that those who continually fall short, have just not seen the way yet and accept where they are, with prayer and/or hope that they too may find their way. As such we do not think ourselves their betters. We also learn through conscious contact with the God of our understanding, to find that self within that intuitively knows right from wrong. And through all of this learning we strive to live up to these high Ideals on a daily basis. Through this we learn humility and our own humanness as we struggle not to give in to our lusts for power, greed, wealth, sex, and material wealth. However being human we occasionally stumble and fall, yet we pick ourselves up, make amends, learn grow and strive for better adherence to the principles contained in the 12 steps on a daily basis. Thus living by our own newfound “Code of Honour” through the “12 Step Program.” As we on a daily basis attempt to continually do what is right and what is right in front of us.
Remember that God does not create garbage
Tonight I was watching the movie King Arthur, about of course King Arthur and his knights. I must admit I have penchant for fantasy novels, dragons and knights, that sort of stuff. I believe for me it is partially fuelled in the “knights, Code of Honour”, you know honesty, integrity, equality and doing the right thing, living the code. Quite the fanciful thinking in today’s age, some might say. I think it is something sorely lacking in today’s society, especially by some of our leaders in politics and industry.
That being said, I am inclined to see that “The 12 Step Program” teaches us our own “Code of Honour.” Through the process of doing the 12 steps, we learn how to make our yes mean yes and our no mean no. We learn to make our word our bond. We learn to see all persons as equals, we may admire and even revere those who model that too which we aspire, yet understand that they are but human and may falter and/or trip, yet basically our equals, with wisdom and/or lessons they may have to share with us. Also we learn that those who continually fall short, have just not seen the way yet and accept where they are, with prayer and/or hope that they too may find their way. As such we do not think ourselves their betters. We also learn through conscious contact with the God of our understanding, to find that self within that intuitively knows right from wrong. And through all of this learning we strive to live up to these high Ideals on a daily basis. Through this we learn humility and our own humanness as we struggle not to give in to our lusts for power, greed, wealth, sex, and material wealth. However being human we occasionally stumble and fall, yet we pick ourselves up, make amends, learn grow and strive for better adherence to the principles contained in the 12 steps on a daily basis. Thus living by our own newfound “Code of Honour” through the “12 Step Program.” As we on a daily basis attempt to continually do what is right and what is right in front of us.
Remember that God does not create garbage
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Subscribe To
Posts
All Comments
