Boundaries

Recovery teaches us to take down the unhealthy walls and the separation we have created in an unhealthy attempt to protect ourselves from pain. We learn to be honest and open with others; we become vulnerable in order to have a real human connection and healthy relationships. And instead of walls that imprison us and emotional separation we learn to set boundaries to protect our well-being. By learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them. We first have to learn what our truths are so that we can follow the saying “To Thine Own Self Be True”. In doing so we are become capable of being discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and loving in meeting our own needs.

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We have to be able to tell other’s when they are behaving in ways that are not acceptable to us. Firstly we acknowledge that we have an obligation to protect and defend ourselves. We have not only an obligation but a duty, to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. Boundaries also allow us to be interdependent rather than co-dependent.

We need to be aware of what healthy behaviours and acceptable interaction truly are before we can start practicing them in our own lives, demanding the proper treatment from others. Recovery has taught us to be emotionally honest with ourselves, and to owning our own feelings, and to communicate in a direct and honest manner. Setting boundaries is essential in having healthy relationships. Setting boundaries also enforces our own self-respect and self-love. If we do not love and respect ourselves, how can we expect others to?

Most of us grew up believing that we had the power to make my parents angry or to break my mother's heart. This created the thinking thought that we had to be perfect, and when we weren’t, we were hurting the ones we loved. We grew up believing that something was wrong with us because we were human. Thusly we grew up believing that we have power over other people’s feelings, and they have power over mine. This ultimately created co-dependency in us.

In being co-dependent, we became enmeshed with other people. Basically we did not know where we ended and the other person began, there was no boundary. Having healthy boundaries tells us who "we" are, and that we are all separate individuals. We became hyper-vigilant through our childhoods. We learned to focus on interpreting what my parents and other authority figures were feeling in order to try to protect ourselves. As adults, we unconsciously tried to manipulate others, by attempting to be what they wanted us to be, if we wanted them to like us, or we became either intimidating or invisible. We had no idea that we were responsible for our own feelings because we had learned that other people were responsible for our feelings, and vice versa. We must learn to define ourselves emotionally as separate from others. In this way we can start learning who we are. We had always felt that we were separate only in unhealthy ways, shameful and unworthy.

Now in setting healthy boundaries, we first must learn how to communicate in a nonaggressive manner, we learn to assertive in a nonthreatening or aggressive manner. This means, we stop blaming others for our feelings. We cease saying things like: you make me so angry; you hurt me; you make me crazy; how could you do that to me after all I have done for you; and so on. Most of us grew up hearing these kinds of interactions. This has helped in created our inability to create healthy relationships. As well we must remember our whole purpose here is to create healthy loving relationships. When an individual comes at you aggressively, or in an attacking and/or condemning manner. The initial response in to become defensive, creating either a “fight or flight” mentality.

It is essential for us to learn to communicate on how another’s behaviour is affecting us, without the blaming "you”, we need to use statements starting in the following ways.

When you . . . . . Here we identify the behaviour, being very specific

I feel . . . . . Here we own our own feelings, describing what feelings the behaviour brings up in you

I want … Here we describe, what exactly you require from the other, in the relationship

Of course, we are powerless over others, whether they get it, or understand what we are doing. However in learning to communicate in a healthy way, without blame and shame, we are maximizing the possibility of healthy communication.
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Some boundaries are rigid - and need to be. Boundaries such as: "It is not OK to hit me, ever.” "It is not acceptable to cheat on me."

Some boundaries our flexible, meaning they allow for mistakes without, immediate consequences, however it does need to be voiced and acknowledged. Such as leaving dirty laundry on the floor.

It is not enough to set boundaries, they must have consequences. If there are no consequences, others will not take you seriously. You absolutely need to follow through on consequences, if you fail to enforce your boundaries with consequences, they will not be adhered to. You must follow through on consequences, this takes courage and self-respect. No matter what this entails, whether this requires you to leave for a few hours or days. This sends a clear message of your seriousness.

Remember God does not create garbage