Addiction Roots

By accident or design, you stumbled into a 12 Step meeting or met someone in recovery and, through the fog of your addiction, you’ve managed to hear a few things: “one step at a time,” “easy does it,” or “let go and let God,” but none of it makes much sense to you. If you’re just starting out in a tentative sober state, your life and relationships are most likely in a shambles, your job lost, children gone, husband/wife fed up and disgusted. You have played the great pretend game every addict is familiar with “I don’t give a shit!” But deep down you know you’re just lying.

The problems of our addictions are rooted in the toxic shame of our childhood, trust in our families has been shattered, boundaries violated, and we’re feeling confused, alone and afraid. This is common in addicts and dysfunctionals – those impacted with personality and substance abuse disorders Somewhere along the line we’ve gotten a message and internalized it -- that we are defective and hopelessly flawed. We know that our addiction is abnormal, that it’s a beast that’s gotten loose and is consuming everything in our lives -- yet we continue to let this beast roam wherever it chooses.

Our addiction is the manifestation of how we feel about ourselves inside. It tells us that we feel less than and are not worth much effort. How can that be, you say, when I feel so good when I’m getting high? If you felt good about yourself to begin with, you wouldn’t need to mind or mood-alter with drugs, other substances or behaviors. The end result for many of us is that we jail ourselves, prostitute ourselves and get ourselves into abusive and/or impossible situations. Is this how you would treat someone you loved? Would you treat a 5-year old this way? You would be horrified. Yet this is how we treat or have treated ourselves. This is the nature of addiction.

In examining the true nature of our problems, our addictions and dysfunctions, what do we see? What patterns come leaping out to derail our spiritual progress? What stops us from getting the help we need? There is something inside of us that wants to get better, then why can’t we? Is there a step that can help us through this tough beginning time where we don’t know whether to leap off the train, risk breaking our legs, or riding this recovery train a few more miles and see what happens.

Take the ride – you’re worth it. Listen, listen and listen with an open mind. Share, share and share what you’re feeling. Is this hard for you? I was so shamed I only went to candlelight meetings and shared in the dark. After about 3 months, I graduated to the early evening meetings. No, it won’t be easy at first. Get someone to hold your hand. That’s what so great about 12 Step fellowship – someone will be there for you – if you hold out your hand. Is your recovery going easy for you? Or are you fighting it tooth and nail?
Lynda Lyons

remember God does not create garbage