Step One

Step One;
Admitted we were powerless over Alcohol ( our Addiction)
That our lives had become unmanageable.

What an profound statement this is for us to actually say. the real profound part is meaning it and believing what we are saying/writing, rather than just mouthing the words. As an alcoholic/addict his made all the difference in the world. Even though my life was in the toilet, had burned so many bridges, hurt so many people, had done so many things that I'd said I'd never do, hurt the ones I'd claimed to love and broken so many promises. The idea that I was powerless was so distasteful, I mean it was just a drink or a substance, POWERLESS - I don't think so. I mean I walked around in black leather- people had feared me - I'd carried guns, knives- powerless i was not powerless over anything ( or so I thought) I was only powerless when you had a gun to my head or bracelets on my wrists. But once those bracelets were off or the gun was removed my power returned. (ha). That was the delusion.
This is where I talked among my support system, my sponsor and listened to others at meetings-This is where the learning began- I began to see all the promises I broke, you know the ones that i meant to keep the ones I really wanted to keep the ones to the people that meant something to me. The times where I said I was only going for a couple, where i said I'd be right back and we do this or that- the times I said no one would get hurt- the times I said we'd get this or that. I I were really not powerless then how come all those times when I MEANT it I could never follow through- I always stayed with the "party". The "party" was everything. Let's face it once I took the first Drink-Hit, Toke and started in- I couldn't tell you were I would end up.
The "partying" brought me to so many lovely places- Waking up with who knows who- waking up who knows where- jails- Hospitals - broke- more broken promises. Let's not even mention the times where i felt degraded-ashamed-lost- confused- hopeless- because don't you know " I'm not powerless" and that's not unmanageable - I always managed to get " a place to crash- I always managed to find another relationship- i always managed to find another buck-job- whatever. I always managed to get another-drink-hit-high- so I didn't have to face life the pain of all my failures of the loved ones I'd lost, of the what I'd become and was doing. Because it was just a shitty world and the cops are against me and setting me up and the mother-in-law is always putting these things in her head- and the boss just doesn't like me. The truth is I'm powerless and I once I start using/drinking anything goes- most of those things are the things I want in my life, however being powerless I follow the using/drinking and then this becomes my life.

However there is away out and a way to get back to a better life and step one is the beginning of that process. This is not all bleak, and doom and gloom IT is just the opposite- it's the bright light of hope of a new life filled with unimaginable promise. However it is like any "Treasure" hunt. YES i Use the word Treasure Because like I said earlier the results of this 12 Step Program are just that. If you made a wish list of what you'd like to get out of this Program right now- You would rip yourself off of what your going to achieve. However like I started to say on any Treasure hunt there are perils and it is not an easy journey, That's why help is available and we need to use it. The Treasures to be had are wondrous. YOU WILL BE AMAZED.
Remember GOD does not make garbage