Step 9 completes what I started in step 8. I make amends to those that I have harmed. I pay back debts I owe. I apologize. I write letters. I find time to do and say things that would help heal the damage that I have done. I try to bring goodness where previously I had brought discord and destruction. It takes insight, courage and dedication to make such amends, but now I have the help of my God to know what to do and how to do it. I learn to earnestly seek the right way to go about this process from my God. I start to live the kind of life that my God has meant for me to live all along.
- From 12Step.org



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After we have made a list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all.
- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 83



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Timing is an essential part of this step. We should make amends when the first opportunity presents itself, except when to do so will cause more harm. Sometimes we cannot actually make the amends; it is neither possible nor practical. In some cases, amends may be beyond our means. We have found that willingness can serve in the place of action where we are unable to contact the person we have harmed. However, we should never fail to contact anyone because of embarrassment, fear or procrastination.

...In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments. In many instances we can only go to the person and humbly ask for understanding of past wrongs. Sometimes this will be a joyous occasion when some old friend or relative proves very willing to let go of their bitterness. To go to someone who is hurting from the burn of our misdeeds can be dangerous. Indirect amends may be necessary where direct ones would be unsafe or endanger other people. We can only make our amends to the best of our ability. We try to remember that when we make amends, we are doing it for ourselves. Instead of feeling guilty and remorseful, we feel relieved about our past.
- Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 4/Step 9


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The making of amends needs to be approached cautiously by codependent people. There are three things amends are or can be. There is one thing they definitely should not be.

Amends can be these things:

1.Sincere efforts to offer apology for past harm.
2.Wonderful bridge-builders for more positive future relationships.
3.Effective agents for removing the tremendous weight of guilt, shame, and remorse.
The one thing amends should never be, though, are installment payments on false guilt or false shame...

There are five categories of persons to whom we may consider making amends. Notice how this contrasts with what we did in Step 8. There we included everyone to whom we were willing to make amends. In Step 9, however, as we prepare to execute this step, we use a high degree of discretion regarding to whom we will make amends and when this should happen...
- Serenity, A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery, p. 62, 63


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We will need to have the proper attitude as we approach this step. First, it is good to have forgiven both ourselves and the people we injured, regardless of anything they might have done to retaliate. We will not succeed in resolving the conflict if we are still angry and defensive.

Second, we need to have a good idea going into the encounter about what we want to say and accomplish. Most importantly we want to make sure we state our apology without assigning any blame to the ones we injured. We must act responsibly as we make our confession adn attempt amends, having thought through all the possible consequences so that we will not be caught off guard and be provoked to anger. A rehearsal with a sponsor, therapist, or friend may help prepare us.

We need to be open to any response we get from people we've injured, and be ready to accept their response without becoming angry. We are not there to manipulate them into forgiving us. In order to have this come off smoothly, we should make every effort to purge our bad feelings toward the person or incident before we meet to speak. This will help us resist the temptation to point out to them what we felt they did to provoke us. We are only there to talk about our own behavior.

It is also a good idea not to take the other person by surprise. They have a right to know that you intend to make amends. They have a right to refuse to let you do this at this time....You can leave an open invitation to talk whenever and wherever they might feel comfortable at some time in the future.
- The Twelve Step Journal, by Claudette Wassil-Grimm, p. 224-225


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When we make amends we are simply telling the person we harmed the truth about our actions as we now see it, trusting that the healing, the self-acceptance, and the serenity we will gain is worth the rejection we may encounter. We are trusting that God and our fellow seekers in this Way can do more to bring us to happiness and intimacy than any negative opinion could hurt us. Although this risking of open rejection by those to whom we make amends i frightening, we have the experience of thousands of people who have taken this step before us to encourage and strengthen us as we go. After making amends to all the people we listed in Step Eight, we begin to experience the "promises of the program"...

Doing Step Nine correctly also takes courage, prudence, good judgment, and a careful sense of timing. If you are just coming into the Twelve Steps as you read this, remember that you're not ready to do Step Nine yet. You've got eight steps to walk through first. By the time you get to this poiint you may be amazed at the way you have become ready to trust God and do Step Nine....
- A Hunger for Healing, by Keith Miller, p. 148


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As you can see, this will be a lengthy, difficult, soul-searching process that requires creativity and courage. Your guides can be important here. By reviewing your process as you go along, they can help you stay in reality. Maybe they will have different reactions to the events than you have, or perhaps they will challenge your intentions or suggest alternative actions. Remember, these amends do not have to be done all at once. You deserve time to think and feel the process through. Again, gentleness is your goal.
- A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps, by Patrick Carnes, p. 161

Step 9

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
"In this chapter we're going to explore how to use this Step to further our health and growth. There are two pertinent ideas in this Step: making a list, and becoming willing to make amends to everyone on it."

"MAKING OUR LIST"
"Make a list. Put every name you can think of on that list. If you have done your inventory work thoroughly, you should have gotten most of the details and grievances out of yourself. If you find new thoughts emerging and need time to write about them, do so."
"Once you have finished that list, put it aside. Take out another sheet of paper and make your second list. This list is just as important as the first one. This is the list of people you have harmed."
"Now we are entering into some exacting, focused work. Often, it is helpful to pray for Divine Guidance and wisdom as we embark on this project. Who, exactly, have we harmed with our behaviors? Do not suppress yourself by worrying now if you are going to have to apologize to these people or what you are going to say, or whether you will look foolish. It is not yet time to address those issues. For now, we are focusing on making a detailed list of those we have harmed."
"As we make this list, be firm but compassionate with ourselves. Avoid wallowing in guilt. Feeling guilty and ashamed is not the purpose of this list. Being done with guilt and shame is our goal here."
"Do not be obsessive. Do not become unduly entangled in irrelevancies or imagined shortcomings. Look at your behavior in a quiet frame of mind and allow the names to emerge that need to be on your list."
"Now, let's move on to finances. To whom do you owe money ? Put their names on the list. "Perhaps we got so enmeshed in our addictions that we neglected our fiscal responsibilities. Put the names of the people we - not someone else - owe money to."
"As we consider and make this list, strive for a peaceful balanced frame of mind. If guilt or anxiety overtakes us, put pencil or pen down, stop, and retreat into a peaceful place. When our balance has been restored and we are making our lists from peace, acceptance, and compassion for ourselves, return to work."
"This Step requires soul-searching. It is not a Step to punish us nor is it a Step to remind us of our need to feel guilty. It is a Step to set us free from guilt, anxiety, and discord."
"We need to be open to guidance as we work this Step. Often, our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've ever done and anyone we've come in contact with.
"Now we are approaching the end of the list. It is as important that we remember one more name; maybe this one is the most important. For years I have heard this idea bandied about in recovery circles, but we need to take action on it, particularly as it relates to our recovery . The name that goes on the list is our own name."
"We are usually the people we have harmed the most with our behaviors. We are the people we most need to become willing to make amends to. By repressing our feelings and thoughts, neglecting ourselves, criticizing ourselves, shaming ourselves, denying reality, being so frightened, holding ourselves down, pushing ourselves back, believing absolutely undemanding, we have certainly done ourselves wrong."
"Denying and depriving ourselves is wrong. Not trusting ourselves or listening to ourselves is wrong. Not loving ourselves is wrong."
"Allowing ourselves to be lied to and deceived to the point that we no longer listen to or heed our instincts is wrong. Thinking we're crazy and bad for surviving is wrong. Holding other people's issues or inappropriate behaviors against ourselves is wrong."
"Neglecting ourselves is wrong. Ignoring what we want and need, sometimes to the point that our minds, bodies, and souls rebel by getting sick, is wrong."
"Neglecting or diminishing our gifts and talents is wrong."
"Being ashamed of ourselves is wrong."
"Harboring anger and resentment toward ourselves is devastating. We can spend a lifetime punishing ourselves and allowing others to hurt us, too."
"This is the Step where we come to terms with ourselves. This is the Step where we list all persons we have harmed. Until our name goes, in ink, on that list, our recovery will be incomplete."
"It may be helpful to take this Step in small spurts. Guilt and anxiety are our weak points, anyway. Let your list be an ongoing project, adding to it as names and incidents enter your awareness. Work on it a little each day. Then do something peaceful and relaxing immediately afterward. Read a meditation book. Call a friend. Do something to uplift your spirits."
"Caution: There is no reason to feel guilty or prepare to make an amend, if what we have done is to take care of ourselves. Saying how we feel, taking care of ourselves, and beginning or continuing on a recovery course are not wrongs we have done. Often, we tend to feel guilty about these behaviors because that is part of changing ourselves and because we are breaking old dysfunctional rules that tell us not to do that. We do not have to apologize for appropriately taking care of ourselves."
"The goal of this Step is to be honest with ourselves, not unduly hard on ourselves. For many of us, being too hard on ourselves, too critical, is a problem . Often, making this list can be a relief. After thinking through and taking this Step, many of us find that much of our guilt has been unearned. Often, we come up with a few behaviors we truly do not feel good about. Sometimes more. But this Step is here to help us. It helps us clarify exactly what we have or have not done and sets us on the path to taking care of ourselves. The point in doing this Step is not to make ourselves feel guilty. It is to uncover any guilt we're already feeling or running from, then remove it."
"The purpose of this Step is to restore us to right relationships - with ourselves and other people. By the time we've completed this portion of this Step, we have our list: people we have harmed; and the list includes our name. Now it is time to put our pencils or pens down and do the spiritual work required by this Step: achieve willingness to make amends."

"What does it mean to "become willing to make amends to them all?" This Step calls for a change of heart. It asks us to drop our defenses, our protective devices, and to begin to seek peace and healing in all our relationships."
"It does not mean we go back into dysfunctional relationships or systems. It does not mean we stop taking care of ourselves, even if others claim that our self-care has harmed them. It means we search out our indiscretions toward self and others. It means we become willing to seek peace and reparation in all our relationships, past and present."
"This Step asks us for a change of heart, so that our hearts can be healed and opened to love. Do not fear the amend. For now, do not think about the amend. Contemplate willingness, a willingness to take care of ourselves with people."
"We will not be asked or required to do anything foolhardy or inappropriate. All we are becoming willing to do is make appropriate amends, to take responsibility for our inappropriate behaviors toward others and toward ourselves."
"How can we learn to love until we become ready to take responsibility for our part?"
"Healing begins within us. It begins with a thought, a vision, a feeling of willingness. A great chain of healing and love begins when we make the decision to take care of ourselves with people and to come to a place of peace about our relationships. We take ourselves out from under the control and influence of our addictions; we align ourselves with recovery, ourselves, and our Higher Power."
"We are beginning to own our power in new ways, ways that we have not known before. We are taking ourselves out of anxiety, shame, and guilt, and stepping into peace."
"We have stopped fussing over others. We have taken the risk to look within. Now, we are asked to take an even greater risk - that of quietly, but clearly, accepting responsibility for ourselves, and our behaviors."
"This Step, and the next, heals our relationships with ourselves and others."
"We are on our way to learning to own our power in any circumstance and in any situation. We are learning how to stop victimizing ourselves. We are giving up our victim role."
"We are part of a new consciousness. It is this recovery work that each of us is doing that will stop the chain of dyxfunction - not just in our lives, but in those around us. Many of us have wanted to change the world. Well, we are - simply and quietly, by doing our own work and our own healing."
"There is a quiet, honest place that this Step takes us to, a place of dropping defenses and pride, a place where we shed victimization. We become willing to clean our slate, in peace and honesty."
"Take this Step as soon as possible after making your list. Take it whenever bitterness, resentment, victimization, or fear enter in. Take it whenever you seek and desire peace and healing with yourself and with others. We do not have to do this Step too soon. We do not have to do it until we are ready. But when it is time, we do not want to procrastinate."
"This Step gives us permission to stop fighting with others and ourselves. We can learn about ourselves and then grow and move forward from that lesson. We can love, forgive, and be forgiven, and accept all that has happened."

Step 8 Part 2

Step 8 Part 1

"Yes, there are some things about us - about you and me - that we need to get rid of. But we need to keep who we are, ourselves, our inherent personalities, and the traits and qualities and idiosyncrasies that make us special and unique
"Aside from our fear about what will happen to us if we are without our defects and what it means to have our defects removed, there is really only one idea in this Step to discuss. We humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. That does not mean we holler at God to change us. It does not mean we demand. It does not mean we have to whimper, grovel, beg, plead, or incessantly ask."
"What this Step means is that we acknowledge that God is the power. We acknowledge the difference between God and ourselves: God is all-powerful; we aren't and don't have to be. Some things we just can't do ourselves. Changing ourselves is one of those things."
"So we ask God to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves."
"We humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings."
"It helps to say "please"."
"It is a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process. It doesn't hurt, at least not any more than necessary to heal us from past hurts or to get our attention. It is a palatable process, and even the pain becomes palatable, once we become willing to feel instead of resist, once we become willing to surrender."
"..... I struggled for a while - with myself. I'd try to stop but find myself unable to. Or, I'd stop the behavior but I'd still want to do it. I'd try harder. Fail. Then finally surrender. I'd stop flailing about and let myself be."
"That's when gifts came. Gifts like detachment. Letting go. Realizing deep within me that I couldn't control another. That doesn't mean I did it perfectly or that the gifts all came at once. But over the years, letting go gradually replaced the need to control."
"It doesn't mean the need and desire to control doesn't come back."
"Some of that we accept. Stay alert. Become more aware. Catch ourselves. But let ourselves learn and grow. Develop a certain gentleness and compassion with ourselves, for our humanness. Let the transformation happen."
"A desire to control to control can be tempered with appropriate boundaries and respect and then channeled into management and leadership abilities."
"All the energy we put into despising and disliking ourselves can be turned positive, can be used to love ourselves."
"Some of the endless caretaking and care giving we gave away to the world can be turned toward us, until we truly learn to love and take care of ourselves."
"The longer we work these Steps, the better perspective on ourselves and our pasts we'll gain. The more fully we allow healing to take place concerning our pasts, the more we will see and be open to receiving the gifts from our past."
"Once we work through our bitterness, we will be able to receive the gift from each relationship, even the most painful ones."
"We will be healed. Self-love and love for others will come to us. Perhaps the most healing gift of all is self-acceptance, an immediate, ever-present acceptance of self, of all we are and have been, and of all we have been through. The more we can accept ourselves, the more we will naturally evolve into who we are destined to become."
"This Step does not absolve us of self-responsibility. But we don't have to worry or fret. We don't have to force our recoveries. We don't have to abase or criticize ourselves further because we are unable to change something about ourselves. Our primary task is acceptance and self- love. From that place, all good things will happen and come to us."
"The process will work, and it will work it's magic on us, if we allow that to happen. Sometimes it works even when we resist. We will find ourselves being changed, right down to the core of ourselves, in ways that we could not do for ourselves."
"And it happens naturally, if we let it."
"This Step gives us permission to be who we are. We say please help me. Please change me. From that moment on, we can be who we are and let the changes happen."
"Yes, we do have a part in this process. That part is applying ourselves to the Steps. There are tasks at hand, and we will be shown and helped to do whatever it is we are to do, when we are to do it. But the task in this Step is simple. This is the "humbly asking God for what we need" Step. It gives us permission to come as we are and bring our needs and desires to our Higher Power. We say please, then trust that we have been heard."
"Steps Six and Seven are the transformation Steps."
"Become willing. Become open. Say please. And cherish who you are now, in this moment."
"Nothing, nothing, can interfere with the good that is coming your way in life, and in this program called recovery."
"This Step does not eliminate us. It embraces and brings together the beauty of that innocent, natural child in each of us and combines it with the wisdom of our experiences. It enables us to realize our potential fully."
"Our gifts will become enhanced and accentuated. Our idiosyncrasies will become acceptable, at times laughable. Our negatives will be illuminated, lightened, eliminated, or made bearable."
"Ask God to help us. Ask God to change us. Ask God to heal us. Become entirely ready to have God heal us, then humbly ask God to do that. That is the essence of the Sixth and Seventh Steps."
"And they are the core of our healing

Step 7 Part 2

Step 7 Part 1

Whether we call them defects of character or our protective devices, what are we looking at in this Step? What are we becoming ready to ask God to heal us from? What are we becoming willing to let go of?"
"Our tight grasp on people
Controlling
Manipulation
Our fears
Old feelings that may be clogging us up
Negative, limiting beliefs
Worry
The need to blame our pain on others
Waiting to be happy"


"We become ready to let go of our fear of being controlled - which for
many of us is as great, or greater than, our desire to control or
manipulate another. We let go of allowing others to control us, our
lives, or our happiness."

"We become ready to let go of our caretaking - our tendency to focus on
the problems, issues, feelings, needs, choices, and lives of another;
the underlying belief that we are responsible for others."

"We become willing to be healed from the issues underlying caretaking:
weak or inappropriate boundaries or limits; an unclear sense of self,
self-responsibility, and the responsibilities of others."

"We become willing to be healed from the belief that others, or
ourselves, are incompetent and cannot take care of us."

"We become ready to let go of:"
"Low self-esteem
Our self-neglect, and the belief that we aren't responsible for
ourselves and cannot take care of ourselves
Our desire to have others take care of, or be responsible for, us
Self-rejection
Self-hatred
Lack of self-trust
Lack of trust in God, life, and the process of recovery
Our trust issues with people - inappropriately placed trust and not
trusting when it is appropriate
Our addictions
Guilt
Shame - that pervading sense that who we are is not okay"

"We become ready to let go of our inability to own our power, to think,
feel, be who we are, take care of ourselves, and enjoy life. We become
ready to let go of our difficulty with setting appropriate boundaries
and limits with people."

"We become ready to let go of our reluctance to feel and deal with our
feelings:"
"Our difficulty dealing with and expressing anger
Our inability to experience joy and love
Our negativity, hopelessness, and despair
Our fear of joy and love
Our fear of commitment
A closed mind, or a closed heart
Our attraction to unavailable people and dysfunctional systems
Our need to be in dysfunctional relationships and systems
Our need to be perfect
Our abuse from childhood
Our need to be victims and our participation in our own victimization"

"We become ready to let go of our fear of intimacy and closeness, and
our relationship- sabotaging behaviors. We become willing to let go of
our problems and fears with sexuality."

"We become ready to let go of our blocks and barriers to joy and love,
even when we cannot name those blocks and barriers. We ask God to take
away everything that stands in the way of us having all we deserve in
our lives. We ask God to show us the blocks or defects we need to be
willing to let go of, and help us become willing to let go of them all."

"We become ready to be healed from our pasts, from unresolved feelings
of guilt, anger, hurt, and grief over the many losses we've endured. We
become ready to let go of the negative beliefs that we latched onto as a
result of our pasts: that we're unlovable, a disappointment, a burden,
not good enough, stupid, unworthy, a problem, and a bother."

"We become ready to let go of all of our "don't deserves": don't deserve
love, happiness, success. Don't deserve a new hat, a new coat, a new
car. Don't deserve to be heard, cared for, have fun, or enjoy life."

"We get ready to let go of the entire package. Whatever we
uncovered in our work on our Fourth and Fifth Steps, whatever we become
aware of during the daily course of our recoveries, whatever we don't
like, don't want, can't stand, feel helpless about, and want to be done
with, we become willing to let go of."

"Anything that is no longer useful; any behavior or belief that gets in
our way - these are what we become ready to release."

"The deeper we're willing to go, the deeper the healing we will
receive."

"Do not limit the use of this Step to defects. This Step works on
feelings, and feelings aren't defects. If we get stuck in a particular
feeling, especially fear, anger, resentment, grief, or sadness, we can
become willing to let go of that."

"There is no behavior too large or too small to be worked on in this
Step. When we take this Step, when we become entirely ready to have God
remove our protective devices, we are on the way to becoming changed."


"BECOMING READY TO LET GO"

"If there is any struggle to recovery, if there is a difficult,
frustrating, grueling part, it can be when we become aware of the
devices that once protected us but have now become self- defeating. It
is when we become ready to let go."

"We may have spent years behaving in a certain way without having any
awareness of, or experiencing noticeable consequences from, this
behavior. Then, suddenly, it becomes time to change. We begin to
notice that behavior. We bump into it, over and over again. We begin
to feel the pain from that behavior, the helplessness, the hopelessness,
our own inability to change. And we wonder how things will or can ever
be any different."

"That's when it's time to remind ourselves that we are changing. Right
now, we are in the process of becoming changed. That's how this program
of recovery works."

"That's how we become ready. We get pelleted, sometimes bombed, by
awareness. That's how life gets our attention. Awareness.
Acceptance. And change. Our part in this process is becoming ready to
let go, becoming ready to have God take it from us."

"We can start where we are and with who we are, and that is good enough
for this program to work. We can ask for help getting ready to let go."

"Becoming ready to let go is not something that can be taught. But it
is something that each of us can learn, through practice. Don't worry.
If we stay in recovery circles long enough, we will."

"The readiness will be worked out in us."

"We can rely on the Step. We can trust what happens when we take this
Step. If we aren't ready or willing to let go of our defects or any
person or anything, we can ask our Higher Power to help us become
willing and ready."

"THE LETTING GO STEP"

"This is not a do-it-ourselves program. We are not abdicating
self-responsibility. But we are learning to trust God, trust this
process, and trust ourselves. When it is time to change, we will become
changed. We will receive the power, help, and ability to do that. For
now, our part is becoming ready to let go."

"Lessons don't go away. They keep repeating themselves until we learn.
In fact, when it's time to change, it becomes harder to stay than it
does to change."

"This Step gives us permission to relax, trust, and become willing. It
gives us permission to be who we are and let this process of change
happen to us."

"Alcoholics Anonymous (the Big Book) suggests that after doing our Fifth
Step, we seclude ourselves and ask God to remove our defects of
character, our shortcomings. It's important to take this Step, and take
it big, after doing a Fourth and Fifth Step."

"This is the letting-go Step. It is the beginning of transformation.
It begins the process of receiving what we want and need from our Higher
Power. Become ready to let go of all that stands in our way, of all
that bothers, troubles, defeats, or perplexes us, of all that we cannot
control. Become ready to let go of what we don't want any more and what
we truly desire. Then, move on to the Seventh Step and watch what
happens."