Step 12

Step 11 is my continual reality check and compass. It keeps me grounded in the reality that I know has brought me out of my addictive behaviors. It keeps me in a safe place by keeping my conscious contact with God. Through prayer and meditation I maintain this conscious contact with God and continually try to carry out what God leads me to do. In that path, I find the sanity, serenity and joy that I have been seeking.
- From 12Step.org


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Those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it than we would refuse air, food or sunshine. And for the same reason. When we refuse air, light or food the body suffers. And when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions and our intuitions of vitally needed support. As the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We all need the light of God's reality, the nourishment of His strength, and the atmosphere of His grace. To an amazing extent the facts of A.A. life confirm this ageless truth.
- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 97-98



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When we first come to the Program, we usually express a lot of things which seem to be important wants and needs. As we grow spiritually and find out about a Power greater than ourselves, we begin to realize that as long as our spiritual needs are truly met, our living problems are reduced to a point of comfort. When we forget where our real strength lies, we quickly become subject to the same patterns of thinking and action that got us to the Program in the first place. We eventually redefine our beliefs and understanding to the point where we see that our greatest need is for knowledge of God's will for us and the strength to carry that out. We are able to set aside some of our personal preference, if necessary, to do this because we learn that God's will consists of the very things we care most about. God's will for us becomes our own true will for ourselves. This happens in an intuitive manner which cannot be adequately explained in words.

We become willing to let other people be what they are without having to pass judgment on them. The urgency to take care of things isn't there anymore. We couldn't comprehend acceptance in the beginning-now we can.
- Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 4/Step 11


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Step 11 provides daily spiritual maintenance. As recovering persons, we may use our support groups and recovery literature as springboards toward spiritual and emotional growth. We will probably reach a level, though, at which we hunger for an even deeper contact and communication with God...

If we have had little or no experience with prayer, we should probably begin in a simple fashion. That means putting aside perfectionistic concerns about praying "the right way." We should pray simply and forthrightly to God as a loving Father, not worrying about what we should and should not say.

Over time, as we become comfortable with God, we will talk with Him as with a trusted friend. He will be the Person with whom we can conduct our daily inventories of grief and confession issues. And we will begin to sense His answers to our prayers...
- Serenity, A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery, p. 72, 73


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Moving through the steps people report being increasingly in contact with soneone - a "Person" rather than a philosophical Higher Power. When this change takes place, we often see miracles happening in their lives. After much fear of losing control, they discover insight, wisdom, power, and courage that they didn't have at all two weeks before. At that point many say, "I surrender, I give up." They begin to communicate with God concerning what is happening to them. And that's when they are ready to receive the help of Step Eleven.

Although these changes happen for many people, they do not happen for all. Many work the steps and stay sane in Twelve-Step programs yet somehow miss the whole thing about prayer and meditation. Most of the people who work good programs, however, are connected to God and do use prayer and meditation in some form. They use them as practical ways of learning who God is and what his will for them may be, as well as for learning useful truths about who they are and what they're to do in order to find happiness, guidance, peace and continued growth. But mostly they pray because they feel gratitude, love and a sense of awe that the One with whom they are in contact is using his power to heal them.
- A Hunger for Healing, by Keith Miller, p. 180

Step 11 Part 2

Step 11 Part 1

Nobody likes to admit to being wrong. But it is absolutely necessary to maintain spiritual progress in recovery.

Step 10
Continued to take person inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Step 10 may be one of the least popular of all the 12 steps, because it is simply no fun to be wrong and then have to admit it! But without this step, progress toward recovery can not only cease, it can actually lose ground.
It is another process which seems on the surface to be difficult to face, but in actuality, it is as much a benefit to the one admitting the wrong as it is to the person who was wronged. By promptly facing mistakes and taking responsibility for them, it prevents situations from festering into resentments and anger that can become real problems.

Step 10 helps to keep the spiritual house clean. All humans and are bound to make mistakes and errors. Owning up to those wrongs quickly settles the issue. Rather than weighing on the conscience or building up to produce greater consequence, the mistake is corrected promptly and the problem nipped in the bud.

Visitors to the bulletin board here at the About.com Alcoholism site have shared some very practical ways they have applied this step to their lives, in our study of the 12 Traditions and 12 Steps continues:

Step 10 Part 2

Step 10 Part 1

Step 9 completes what I started in step 8. I make amends to those that I have harmed. I pay back debts I owe. I apologize. I write letters. I find time to do and say things that would help heal the damage that I have done. I try to bring goodness where previously I had brought discord and destruction. It takes insight, courage and dedication to make such amends, but now I have the help of my God to know what to do and how to do it. I learn to earnestly seek the right way to go about this process from my God. I start to live the kind of life that my God has meant for me to live all along.
- From 12Step.org



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After we have made a list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all.
- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 83



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Timing is an essential part of this step. We should make amends when the first opportunity presents itself, except when to do so will cause more harm. Sometimes we cannot actually make the amends; it is neither possible nor practical. In some cases, amends may be beyond our means. We have found that willingness can serve in the place of action where we are unable to contact the person we have harmed. However, we should never fail to contact anyone because of embarrassment, fear or procrastination.

...In some old relationships, an unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to step away from further antagonisms and ongoing resentments. In many instances we can only go to the person and humbly ask for understanding of past wrongs. Sometimes this will be a joyous occasion when some old friend or relative proves very willing to let go of their bitterness. To go to someone who is hurting from the burn of our misdeeds can be dangerous. Indirect amends may be necessary where direct ones would be unsafe or endanger other people. We can only make our amends to the best of our ability. We try to remember that when we make amends, we are doing it for ourselves. Instead of feeling guilty and remorseful, we feel relieved about our past.
- Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 4/Step 9


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The making of amends needs to be approached cautiously by codependent people. There are three things amends are or can be. There is one thing they definitely should not be.

Amends can be these things:

1.Sincere efforts to offer apology for past harm.
2.Wonderful bridge-builders for more positive future relationships.
3.Effective agents for removing the tremendous weight of guilt, shame, and remorse.
The one thing amends should never be, though, are installment payments on false guilt or false shame...

There are five categories of persons to whom we may consider making amends. Notice how this contrasts with what we did in Step 8. There we included everyone to whom we were willing to make amends. In Step 9, however, as we prepare to execute this step, we use a high degree of discretion regarding to whom we will make amends and when this should happen...
- Serenity, A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery, p. 62, 63


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We will need to have the proper attitude as we approach this step. First, it is good to have forgiven both ourselves and the people we injured, regardless of anything they might have done to retaliate. We will not succeed in resolving the conflict if we are still angry and defensive.

Second, we need to have a good idea going into the encounter about what we want to say and accomplish. Most importantly we want to make sure we state our apology without assigning any blame to the ones we injured. We must act responsibly as we make our confession adn attempt amends, having thought through all the possible consequences so that we will not be caught off guard and be provoked to anger. A rehearsal with a sponsor, therapist, or friend may help prepare us.

We need to be open to any response we get from people we've injured, and be ready to accept their response without becoming angry. We are not there to manipulate them into forgiving us. In order to have this come off smoothly, we should make every effort to purge our bad feelings toward the person or incident before we meet to speak. This will help us resist the temptation to point out to them what we felt they did to provoke us. We are only there to talk about our own behavior.

It is also a good idea not to take the other person by surprise. They have a right to know that you intend to make amends. They have a right to refuse to let you do this at this time....You can leave an open invitation to talk whenever and wherever they might feel comfortable at some time in the future.
- The Twelve Step Journal, by Claudette Wassil-Grimm, p. 224-225


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When we make amends we are simply telling the person we harmed the truth about our actions as we now see it, trusting that the healing, the self-acceptance, and the serenity we will gain is worth the rejection we may encounter. We are trusting that God and our fellow seekers in this Way can do more to bring us to happiness and intimacy than any negative opinion could hurt us. Although this risking of open rejection by those to whom we make amends i frightening, we have the experience of thousands of people who have taken this step before us to encourage and strengthen us as we go. After making amends to all the people we listed in Step Eight, we begin to experience the "promises of the program"...

Doing Step Nine correctly also takes courage, prudence, good judgment, and a careful sense of timing. If you are just coming into the Twelve Steps as you read this, remember that you're not ready to do Step Nine yet. You've got eight steps to walk through first. By the time you get to this poiint you may be amazed at the way you have become ready to trust God and do Step Nine....
- A Hunger for Healing, by Keith Miller, p. 148


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As you can see, this will be a lengthy, difficult, soul-searching process that requires creativity and courage. Your guides can be important here. By reviewing your process as you go along, they can help you stay in reality. Maybe they will have different reactions to the events than you have, or perhaps they will challenge your intentions or suggest alternative actions. Remember, these amends do not have to be done all at once. You deserve time to think and feel the process through. Again, gentleness is your goal.
- A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps, by Patrick Carnes, p. 161

Step 9